If you know me at all or if you’ve been following on here for some time, you’ll know my distaste for anything Christmas before Thanksgiving.
Well.
It’s October 29th, and I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a week. A WEEK. And no, not because the kiddos wanted to, not because I lost a bet, it was by pure choice. I woke up last Monday morning and wanted to sing along to my favorite Christmas songs and I haven’t stopped yet.
I had to make this confession to you because if you found out any other way I’m sure you’d be worried (HA! I know you wouldn’t be, you probably don’t care that much and that’s perfectly fine with me, this is all part of the post, just hang on).
I was just listening to Phil Wickham’s “Joy to the World (Joyful, Joyful)” off his new Christmas album “Christmas”. It starts out pretty normal with him singing “Joy to the World” like you’d expect but then you hear a choir join in behind him, adding some excitement, and then at the 3 minute and 10 second mark, Phil stops and the choir beautifully belts out the first several lines of “Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee”.
It takes your breath away and gives you goosebumps because of how it’s sung, but as I was listening to it today, something else happened.
I’m driving with the kiddos on our way to their house, the toy drill hasn’t stopped turning, little sis is asleep when she shouldn’t be, I’m thinking of a million different things. But then the choir comes in, slowly Phil’s voice isn’t heard above the rest but I hear, and I mean really hear, the words, “hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sun above!”. Then tears welled up in my eyes as if I had heard that song for the first time.
And in a sense, that was true. It kind of was the first time I really heard those words.
I accepted Jesus as my Savior right before my 17th birthday. I had grown up in church hearing the gospel preached every week but figured that “eventually” I’d get saved and that would be that. But then 2008 came and Mom was gone. And then I got angry and bitter and awful. And the more days went by the more it got worse. The anger and bitterness went on for years until finally I’d had enough. I knew that nothing could ever make this go away apart from Jesus. I knew that without Him as Lord of my life, I’d fall deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. So I accepted Him as my Savior one night, was baptized a week or two later and that was that.
But then I graduated, moved out, and started college. I still had Jesus as my Savior but looking back, I really didn’t know what it meant. I went through the motions, church 3 times a week, daily prayer, serving different ministries, occasionally tearing up during worship service and checking off the boxes. I knew where I would go if I died but living it out was something I didn’t know how to do.
So I found myself walking to the library after class one day, it was sunny and the temperature had started to rise, spring was near, and I heard loud and clear from Him, “this isn’t where you need to be”. So I left, I dropped out and worked at my retail job until He gave me direction. Very few people agreed/liked what I was doing. I knew it wasn’t their plan, I knew what they said when I wasn’t around, but I knew that following Christ was more important than others opinions, so I clung and followed after Him.
Years went by with more hard times and heartbreaks but I was still clinging to Him. But without even realizing it, my heart was still closed. I wanted everyone to be comfortable opening up to me, but to others and even to Jesus, I wanted to keep closed. I can tell you all day long that Jesus is better because He is and I absolutely believe it, but fully letting go? Yeah, that’s for everyone else. I’d get there one day. I’d been hurt a few too many times to keep opening up.
The tears welled today, because I’m not closed anymore. Petal by petal, He’s opened up my heart. Slowly and without even realizing, He’s mending and caring for my broken and bruised heart.
Because of His love, because of His grace, because I’m fully known by Him, my heart has opened to Him. I’m beginning to see what it’s like when we give it all completely over to Him. There’s more joy, more grace, more kindness, more love.
I don’t know where you are with Him; I don’t know how bad your heart has been hurt, but I do know the One who can make it new. Heaven rejoices when we fall at His feet in full surrender to Him.
So let your heart unfold like a flower before Him. Let songs you’ve heard thousands of times be heard as if for the first time, let love be the thing you no longer doubt, but delight in.
Let it be Jesus.
Let it be His love
Because it’s unlike any other.
Because Jesus is better.
Beauty in the Ashes 